Restless. Awake. Every night. 3 A.M. Cold sweats. The burden of failure is indescribable. Sure, it is learning. Sure, it will make the fruits of labor that much sweeter. However, there are still no words that can describe the act of enduring the present feelings that failure delivers.
For myself, the failures I have experienced, and the losses that occurred consequently are primarily without regret. The only regret would be the relationships that I missed out on during my initial conquest. When failure wasn't an option. The experiences that I passed up on because "one day I will be able to do anything," are of high magnitude.
I often wonder how many of the greats had to experience this remorse, before it finally clicked. How many of the greats refused to sacrifice the master plan, for any fleeting sense of security? How many actually did deviate from their plan, to take a sensible approach, and pay their rent? How many felt restless? How many felt miserable?
Often I am asked "what's wrong?" While I genuinely feel like nothing is wrong. I am simply in deep thought. How many hours have I allowed to slip through my fingers, just thinking?
Now I move during the day in disguise. As a man with a job. A positive force of productivity towards this machine we call society. Such a mundane contribution of lackluster, stoic, settlement.
By night, I am free. I work silently on my vision. Aloof. Occasional deviation for a quick taste from the cup of life. A wild night here or there, with good people provides therapy. All to avoid missing out as I have done before. I read a new book every week or two. Routine provides a sense of purpose, but it is the master plan that carries me on through the empty feelings associated with failures. Oh, how expensive, failures are.
I find myself seeking out additional purpose. I am eager to change the world with the right people. Mental stimulation is like sex. My vision burns vividly in my mind. I will right all wrongs. I will not break my promises. I will be the man I see myself as. This isn't the law of attraction. This is demanding my vision from life. A payment, I intend to collect. A mission, I will not fail.